thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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