it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
