I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We're too hungover to prance.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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