holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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