Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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