I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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