Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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