Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I think my moral compass just broke
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
