Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
