My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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