i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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