Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
