I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize