Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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