so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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