I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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