Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This baby is an asshole
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
