my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize