I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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