his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize