I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
