dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize