Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's never too late to be topless.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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