Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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