I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
