I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
