Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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