You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
