We're like a lot better than the average bears
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
