he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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