I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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