I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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