dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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