I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
