grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
