By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
