I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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