She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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