She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
