and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
