I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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