i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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