I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
