Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
