I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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