my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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