im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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