I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
