I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize