I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
