if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
