Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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