i was born a porn star she said
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
