did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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