so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
