I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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