You're my little dorito
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
