After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
